dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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