Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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