if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
