I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize