Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
