And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
