just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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