she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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