some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
True strength comes from lack of pants
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