did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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