my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
