So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
