8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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