Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
