I faked an abortion last night.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
