my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
