When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
