I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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