My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize