apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
