How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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