I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
