I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
