Someone shit on the floor
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
