My friends, they love my intelligence
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
