Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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