Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
