When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
