Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
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