Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
