today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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