I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
