saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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