Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
