hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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