can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize