His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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