how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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