Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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