I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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