I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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