god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
