Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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