I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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