Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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