Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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