I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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