Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
