He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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