Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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