well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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