Apparently you make a good broom.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
my being single is dangerous.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We are two peas in an std pod
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
