If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
