I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I could fuck to npr.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
