why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
